that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
