He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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