I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
