By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
