On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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