Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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