and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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