just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Can you bring me the toilet please
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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