I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
