hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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