there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
