You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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