my phone needs a breathalizer
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
