I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Man, jail baloney is awful.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
