Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
