now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
