just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
