so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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