What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
