I can tuck mytits in my pants
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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