I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
