She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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