What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My life is pants optional.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize