im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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