I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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