please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
