so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
