Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
