Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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