After last night, I could never be a politician.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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