I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
