why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
