I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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