Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
