Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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