omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
