guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
