He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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