I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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