Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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