Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
