just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
