i think my tv is drunk
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
