two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
