omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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