I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
