I puked a lego.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
