me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
