if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
