I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
