Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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