i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
