Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
