I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Less talking, more tequila
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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